Cuppers Final Match Report
What is greatness?
Is it achieving the impossible? Is it defying every expectation? Is it rewriting history?
Whichever your definition, Keble has overcome it. No college had ever won three different Cuppers trophies in the same year in the records of this university. Ever since John Keble laid the first red brick upon Parks Road, this has been the dream of many; however, one hundred and fifty-four years had to elapse for it to become tangible truth. The brickmen have done something truly remarkable, that will be remembered in the decades and centuries to come.
They are your Men’s Twos, Women’s and Men’s Ones Cuppers champions.
On a breezy Sunday afternoon, more than four hundred people gathered at Iffley Road to spectate KCFC battle against Teddy Hall in what, for many, would become the most memorable 90 minutes of their lives. Teddy supporters came equipped with huge flags, copious amounts of facial paint, a whole bear mascot and chants on how they “drink beer and sniff cocaine”. Soon after, however, they would go back to their college rooms and “shed tears and lay in pain”.
The Keble support was unmatched, with fans ranging from Martina Mengoni – who, after bringing home a clean 4-1 against Summertown, showed no hint of fatigue by continuously chanting on the megaphone – to parents and relatives, the Warden, Todd (who was, thankfully, never allowed on the microphone), the talented Hype staff 😉 #sponsoredbyhype, someone even spotted Ed Balls. Someone missing? You’re right, rumours have it Hashmi was still crying in his room after the B**** upset.
Kick-off, the boys were ready, spurred on by a record-breaking Fletch speech (he made it past the 10-second mark). In the first twenty-five, Teddy demonstrated they did not get to the final by accident. Some decent displays of footwork, as well as a fast left wing brought out our defence’s best efforts. Chances were mainly generated in long-ball counterattacks, and a corner header found its way past McSnakeass at the 20’.
The boys were down 1-0, but with no intention to stop demonstrating their passion. Sussy Gussy decided to put on his best impression of 2014/15 Eden Hazard; cube-headed Smalley started demonstrating sparkles of genius upon hitting the left wood from midfield (it’s still shaking); and even squarer Hayes did what he does best: ram into their keeper whilst travelling at an estimated 42mph, transferring all of his portentous momentum onto his leg. Needless to say, as of today the keeper is still struggling to stand (Cuppers is simply not for everyone). Teddy had to put on their best caricature of Rafa in goal; as of Hayes, if it wasn’t for what’s about to unroll, this exhibition of pure elegance could have made him a strong MOTM nomination. Wynn had to come off due to an injury, leaving space for an especially inspired Geoffrey.
Half-time, no other concrete chances for the brickmen apart from one Hayes flick. However, their new keeper started putting on acts of what one could only describe as a clumsy imitation of Loris Karius in the 2018 UCL final. This gave optimism to our lads, who could not wait to come back on the pitch.
Second half, soon the “Jkwon is a dancer” chants were back on, and now the crowd truly started to act as the twelfth man. Chances were becoming increasingly frequent, the boys could not be stopped. After the first 15 minutes of siege, continuously playing in their half of the pitch only, Smalley fired a dirty low shot in the box. Confusion, a deflection, it’s in. Chaos.
Sonorous “Teddy Ultras” were nowhere to be heard, eclipsed by a Keble rave. After being down for almost 50’, it was level again. 1-1, and the momentum could not have been higher.
The next 10’ had a strong resemblance to May-June 1940, Teddy’s defence being France. Numerous chances got us closer and closer to finally being up, until, at some seemingly unimportant moment, a free-kick was given from the 45-yard mark. The unassuming keeper did not set up a wall, as Keble was gathering in the box, ready for a floater.
Smaldini takes ten steps back from the ball, the referee whistles. A cannonball, a rocket, a flash. The ball travels the 45 yards in 1.6 seconds, ending up precisely in the top-left corner. It’s better than Ronaldo vs Spain. It’s a masterpiece, a gem, an astonishing demonstration of football. Geena, in the crowd, cannot help but blush. Keble are 2-1 up. The fans are delirious.
The remaining 20’ see Teddy trying a frenzied kick-off goal attempt, Keble keeping on the attack and missing some glaring chances, and Teddy scoring the equaliser – only to be ruled off due to offside, making the pill even more excruciatingly painful for the Teddy fans to swallow –
Caolan then books his spot in the annals by miraculously saving a shot from the six-yard box. But Teddy have nothing on a sensational defensive Keble performance, that sends the boys on cloud nine after the three whistles.
History is written, Keble win 2-1 and score the awaited Cuppers Treble. A 10-hour-long celebration parade follows, with the three trophies being displayed around Oxford. Children in the 2070’s will only wish they could have partaken in what was unequivocally the greatest sporting event of 2024.
The red-brick walls of Keble College will forever carry, in solemn white paint, the remembrance of this incredible day of Football.
Claudio